Receiving Criticism

One of the marks of a good leader is his or her ability to receive criticism graciously and to learn from it. For most of us, this is an extremely difficult thing to do. It's not that we don't know we have things to learn, it's a simple matter of criticism triggering our feelings of being flawed, helpless or even worthless. Once these feelings are triggered, our natural tendency is to either run away or stay and fight. Either response is unhealthy! Leaders need a strategy for hearing the criticism in a new way, and being able to respond effectively.

In my book I outline a four-step process for dealing with all forms of criticism: from helpful feedback to angry confrontation. The difference between these two lies in the emotional reactivity of the giver of the criticism, and says little about you, the one who is being critiqued.

STEP ONE
When someone gives you feedback or criticism do not defend yourself. This may seem simple, but it is often extremely difficult. I myself tend to forget my own advice when someone breezes up to me in the hallway and lights into me about something I did, that I had no idea would bother anyone.
Once you defend yourself, believe it or not, you are fighting. You are also not thinking. A quick reaction in defense engages the part of our brains responsible for "fight or flight", and significantly slows down our reasonable, rational brains. Not defending yourself immediately forces you to think.

STEP TWO
Ask yourself "how much of this is true that I can own up to right away?" Often when we are criticized, even if the person delivering it is doing so poorly, they are correct in their assessment. Human beings naturally jump to their own defense, even if that defense is as weak as "well, I didn't mean to". If you can swallow your shame for a moment, own up to what you did, and graciously apologize you will be lifted into a category with only a small number of truly great leaders.

STEP THREE
It may be that you are not in any way "guilty" of the thing you're being accused of. You can find no basis to it at all. If this is so, take the time to examine your own inner emotional response to the criticism. Are you angry? afraid? ashamed? Where do these emotions find their root? Note that you're still not responding to the person, or defending yourself.

STEP FOUR
Ask yourself "how much of this issue is really their problem?" It could be that the critique or feedback has little or nothing to do with you, and virtually everything to do with them. If this is so, you will want to listen as carefully and attentively as you can to their critique. You may wish to ask clarification questions and gather more facts. You may also want to ask them how they feel about the issue, or even validate their feelings (such as anger, disappointment, embarassment, etc.) Try to do this without an angry or sarcastic edge. Have some compassion for this person who is obviously upset or troubled by the issue.

A response would be the final "step" in this process, and probably should not happen until at least the next day - unless step one applies! Thank the "critique-er" for bringing this matter up, and let them know that you'd like to give it some thoughtful consideration, and you will get back to them tomorrow. They may not like this: most folks who are offering criticism wish to engage. Wise, thoughtful leaders will not engage until they have had sufficient time to think.